Late. Forgetful. And trying to piece together stories and stories.
What I've discovered thus far is that my grandmother is ultimately unattainable. Therefore, I'm writing into the unknown, which makes this all the more difficult. I spent this morning trying to map out a narrative arc for this story - both her story and mine - but found that even with chronological order, there are gaps that push everything apart. I;m trying not to use those gaps, to find a way to let those illustrate the story where the actual experiences of her life can't.
Also, I am still struggling with sticking to a regular writing schedule. I find myself doing all other chores before I sit down to the page. Two days ago I rearranged my entire living room, reconfigured the record player, gathered stuff from old roommates and contacted them to come pick it all up, when shopping with a friend, then went out to dinner. All to avoid writing. All to keep the nothing I'm writing into at bay.
This weekend I will be in San Diego for a conference. I don't anticipate having much time for writing. Next week I'll turn in what I have. Hopefully between now then I will have some kind of divine intervention...
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
So I know you all saw this and want to yell holler and throw confetti on Olivia's behalf
A proud congratulations goes out to our Mills College undergraduates who won prizes in the Ina Coolbrith Memorial Poetry Contest: Claire Bresnahan, who won first place, and Olivia Mertz, second place!
A proud congratulations goes out to our Mills College undergraduates who won prizes in the Ina Coolbrith Memorial Poetry Contest: Claire Bresnahan, who won first place, and Olivia Mertz, second place!
This award is administered by UC-Berkeley and the competition includes undergraduates from all our neighboring and California college and universities--including UCLA, St. Mary's, Santa Clara, UC Berkeley, among others. It is a big deal! Congratulations, Claire and Olivia!
Dr. Cynthia Scheinberg
Professor, Department of English
Dean, Graduate Literary Studies
Mills College
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Kate's week 5 post
Last Friday we had our individual meetings with Margaret.
Some really helpful advice included ideas for slowing down
time during sex scenes. For example, include initial reaction to clothes, how
does he react to her body? Explore the female body more. Is she concerned with
his pleasure-if so is it for the first time? And how powerful is it to tease
him this way.
Our conversation about how to be a narrator was very
helpful! That is where most of her book recommendations came in:
Some of her book recommendations include: The Days of
Abandonment by Elena Ferrante, If beale street could talk by James Baldwin, The
Mirror on the Wall and a brief history of yes by Micheline Aharonian, Beloved
by Toni Morrison, The Lover by Marguerite Duras.
Most of these books have some connection to the story that I
am writing and different ways I can be the narrator in my story. I was
extremely drawn to Micheline’s books—they seem to have a narrator style that
fits well with what I imagine happening with my story.
I keep trying to do different things with my story,
basically different points of view-but nothing seems to be working for me. I am
hoping to go back and forth with some of these book recommendations to help me
get to which POV/narrator style would best work for my story. So far, I still
think the first person would work best. I was thinking that maybe I would
switch to third person for the sex scenes—but I really need my character to be
considering things in her head during these scenes—so I think first person
would still work best. I think I just need to really hone in on slowing things
down in the sex scenes by having my character have more internal thought and
contemplation to slow them down.
I really like that idea because it seems to me that was how
I originally envisioned the entire story: for things to be moving really fast
on the dates—where I slow down the scenes by having these internal thought
moments—I feel like my character really has a lot of internal conversation
during her dates, sex and everyday life. She is shy and lacks self-confidence
so I think that is in line with her character having a lot of internal thought
and less out-loud conversation with her dates. However, I see my character
getting more and more comfortable with verbal communication throughout the
story. For some reason (that I haven’t figured out yet) she is more comfortable
with physical contact-but its more of a sham because she is uncomfortable with
verbal and non-sex intimacies.
Wow…okay this blogging today really made me consider my
character. Super production 450 words!
week 5 olivia
Friday's meeting with Lindsey and Marci went well--we workshopped. It felt great to be in direct process with the work we are doing whereas prior to Friday we had just been talking about out work more generally and thematically. Marci and Lindsey's feedback was definitely helpful, especially in relaying back to me the narrative that they interpreted from my poems. Sometimes I cannot tell if I'm being too cryptic or too straight forward--it's great to hear how the work reads. I'm happy that for the most part the work was received well--I haven't been feeling super positive about what I'm producing so far, but they were both encouraging. Workshopping Marci's work was inspiring and helpful as well. We have different styles and intentions in our poetry, so for me it is highly enjoyable to read her work. I admire her work as she uses language in exciting and fresh ways, allowing the reader to observe the world through a whimsical lens. Lindsey talked to us about the larger structure of our theses: if the work will have an arc, what thread we might loop through the work to craft some kind of cohesion as so to avoid losing the reader. My work still feels a little too preliminary than it probably should, so I'm not sure what my larger structure is right now, but definitely thinking about these things.
This weekend I finally had a writing break through and came away with several pages of writing that I feel good about! Even excited about! Because I'm picking up from where I left off on a project from last semester, it has been a little difficult to find a way to crack the work open again and have it feel fresh and compelling. But it's happening.
This weekend I finally had a writing break through and came away with several pages of writing that I feel good about! Even excited about! Because I'm picking up from where I left off on a project from last semester, it has been a little difficult to find a way to crack the work open again and have it feel fresh and compelling. But it's happening.
heidi week 5
i am depleted by school and frustrated that when i get home there is more school. frustrated that even if i tried to complete all of the assigned readings i wouldn't. mad i can't turn my brain off to do mindless activities because i have things i need to do and priorities that keep getting pushed back onto the next day and next. mad it takes me three hours to get to school and back. money sleep stomach virus etc etc etc. tonight i am making fried chicken & mac & cheese. writing is going fine but my hand gets tired and i want to turn my brain off.
thinking about:
the way i smelled in elementary school
the 5 year difference between myself and my sister
the day dale earnhardt died
the day princess diana died
the 2 bedroom apartment on the third floor
start of things, origins, reasons, effects, patterns, present.
bapistim easter christmas new years halloween dead pets missy molly mr warbucks death justin blue in the coffin god godfearing masturbating shame praying forgiveness forsaken the color blue my blue bedroom blue lighting in the kitchen in the morning
noxzema her recommended brand
“nothing records the effects of a sad life so graphically as the human body.”
― naguib mahfouz
rose tattoo removed, 1991
thinking about:
the way i smelled in elementary school
the 5 year difference between myself and my sister
the day dale earnhardt died
the day princess diana died
the 2 bedroom apartment on the third floor
start of things, origins, reasons, effects, patterns, present.
bapistim easter christmas new years halloween dead pets missy molly mr warbucks death justin blue in the coffin god godfearing masturbating shame praying forgiveness forsaken the color blue my blue bedroom blue lighting in the kitchen in the morning
noxzema her recommended brand
“nothing records the effects of a sad life so graphically as the human body.”
― naguib mahfouz
Rebecca's Blog #5
I think this week's blog will probably be on the shorter side; I don't feel like I have too much to share this week.
Last week's group meeting was very helpful because I got some really great feedback from Mia, Tessa, and Heidi on my first 10 pages. I think the common piece of advice from the three of them was to "show not tell." They were much more drawn into my actual scenes, as opposed to my omniscient narrations in the piece. I really need to work on letting the moments and the characters speak for themselves and let the reader see and feel things on their own instead of me kind of telling them how to feel and react. And this has been a common thread throughout all of my writings in the workshops I've taken. I do a lot more 'telling' than I do 'showing' in my pieces. I think I just get so focused on what I felt in certain moments or what my characters are feeling and making sure that the readers know it, that I tend to tell them exactly what is being felt so nothing gets lost in translation.
So that's going to be my main focus as I continue writing and revising more of my thesis in the coming weeks.
Last week's group meeting was very helpful because I got some really great feedback from Mia, Tessa, and Heidi on my first 10 pages. I think the common piece of advice from the three of them was to "show not tell." They were much more drawn into my actual scenes, as opposed to my omniscient narrations in the piece. I really need to work on letting the moments and the characters speak for themselves and let the reader see and feel things on their own instead of me kind of telling them how to feel and react. And this has been a common thread throughout all of my writings in the workshops I've taken. I do a lot more 'telling' than I do 'showing' in my pieces. I think I just get so focused on what I felt in certain moments or what my characters are feeling and making sure that the readers know it, that I tend to tell them exactly what is being felt so nothing gets lost in translation.
So that's going to be my main focus as I continue writing and revising more of my thesis in the coming weeks.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Katy's Fifth Post
I'm working on revision right now and it's a real beast. I have all these scenes and no real great idea for how to connect them all and make it clear what I want to tell. I guess I'm realizing as I write that the story I originally set out to write isn't the story that I am still writing. I'm getting a lot more interested in the mother-daughter relationship each day, which means a lot more writing to develop that new movement and a lot of editing out other scenes so that (for thesis, at least) I can really focus in on this one thing. But I have a lot of doubt, because I feel like I'm reaching a point where whatever I do I'm stuck with--it's too late to go back. It's such a different feeling, working on a project that I am passionate about with this deadline looming over everything. Makes it all feel more like a chore than a creation, more like it's set in stone than like it's an evolving adventure. And it's also weird focusing on this one story, because I don't have time for other writings, but my usual process is to work on a bunch of different stories at once. I don't then know what to do when I'm feeling burnt out on this one. At least, the characters are different enough that if I get burnt out on one I can start writing in another perspective, but that's not exactly what I want to do. I don't know what I want to do, and that's the real problem.
Blech, what a downer of a post this is.
Blech, what a downer of a post this is.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Week/Class 4 - Kendra
-This is for this past week-
I really found all of the writers intriguing, and I took plenty of notes on distinct qualities of each writer for the sake of using them for later. In particular...
My ears perked up when Heidi mentioned Bret Easton Ellis, but I felt bad because I merely watched American Psycho with my beloved Christian Bale and The Rules of Attraction (which was SUCH a weird movie). I saw glimpses of The Informers because of Amber Heard, but I didn't watch the whole thing. I mean if you're catching on, I never read any of his books, and I'm actually afraid of reading American Psycho because I've heard it's way too disturbing and graphic. But that's what I respect about Ellis from afar: the fact that his work just elicits a strong reaction. I mentioned back in my first blog post that reaction is important to me. Taking a moment to absorb what's happening in the story is useful and great, yes, but there's nothing better to me than seeing someone's immediate reaction to a scene or a bit of dialogue. It's a huge testament to the writer's style and language, and I find it complimentary because there's a strong sense of engagement with that instant response.
Other notes I took about Ellis:
I really found all of the writers intriguing, and I took plenty of notes on distinct qualities of each writer for the sake of using them for later. In particular...
My ears perked up when Heidi mentioned Bret Easton Ellis, but I felt bad because I merely watched American Psycho with my beloved Christian Bale and The Rules of Attraction (which was SUCH a weird movie). I saw glimpses of The Informers because of Amber Heard, but I didn't watch the whole thing. I mean if you're catching on, I never read any of his books, and I'm actually afraid of reading American Psycho because I've heard it's way too disturbing and graphic. But that's what I respect about Ellis from afar: the fact that his work just elicits a strong reaction. I mentioned back in my first blog post that reaction is important to me. Taking a moment to absorb what's happening in the story is useful and great, yes, but there's nothing better to me than seeing someone's immediate reaction to a scene or a bit of dialogue. It's a huge testament to the writer's style and language, and I find it complimentary because there's a strong sense of engagement with that instant response.
Other notes I took about Ellis:
- He has no "forgiveness" for his content, which I respect. This translates into description and dialogue that's just real and uncomfortable. It's not glamorous and romanticized; it's just there in its rawest state.
- There are descriptions of character appearances and location appearances, both which, while readers are given the description for the sake of visualizing someone, also emphasize the characters' awareness and overall personalities. I never looked at characters like that before, and I think that's a great way to describe characters without the overt "He's very meticulous and aware of himself".
- He uses characters from his other stories or connects characters some way (i.e. Patrick Bateman in AP and his brother Sean Bateman in RA), which I may start doing.
- There's a question of how much shock value is enough before it gets ridiculous, unnecessary, ridiculously unnecessary, or unnecessarily ridiculous. That's something I think about a lot in both literature and movies, especially movies where storytelling is much more visual.
Can you imagine American Psycho directed by Tarantino? I didn't know I wanted this until now...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Olivia Week 4
Last week was overwhelming on many levels and I am glad to have had the weekend to rest up. I needed it. Been feeling sick--a cold I can't kick and sore throat--but extra sleep from the long weekend has me a bit better and ready to ground myself in school. I don't know what it is but it has been a slow start so far this semester. Maybe I am still adjusting to moving off campus at the start of the semester but I feel disconnected from my classes. This first deadline to get pages to Marci and Lindsey was a bit of a reality check. Gotta get busy! It felt good to type up a lot of the work I have been handwriting in my notebook and play with the way the work transforms once typed. Most of the time the poems I handwrite serve as structural bones. Once typed, I color in the piece with changes in word choice and by playing with the way the words interact with the white space on the page. I am looking forward to workshopping on Friday--I find being in conversation about works in progress engaging and exciting. Also, already feel more grounded in the semester as I finally got all of my due dates for the semester plugged into my calendar which helps me a lot to see the big picture of the semester/ helps motivate. Probably because I can see how quickly the time is flying by already. Whew.
I am bummed I couldn't make it to class Friday and see everyone's presentations/give mine. Next time we meet I will fill you in on Rachel McKibbens, if you aren't familiar with her work yet. She's a poet who has influenced my work. I'm sorry I couldn't be there but look forward to seeing you all in a few weeks.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Kate's Week 3 Post
I really enjoyed meeting with my group this week. It is so
nice to be in a writing group with people who are interested in giving advice
as well as hearing feedback on their own story.
For this week’s meeting our group decided to each give each
other a quick summery of what the gist of our story was and what we needed help
with. This was so helpful for me because every time I explain my story to
someone it helps reaffirm the direction I want it to go in. Also, when I was
talking about what I needed help with—some things came up that I didn’t even
know I needed help with –like how to tackle the internal pressure of being a
woman.
One of the area’s I really struggle with is the sex scene.
When I was hashing things out with the group and trying to explain why it’s so
hard to write them they suggested considering what I needed/or wanted the sex
scene to accomplish. For some reason –it never occurred to me that I was trying
to accomplish anything with the sex scene. I just knew there needed to be one
and I knew that I wanted my character to have trouble dealing with it—but I had
no idea to what end.
I also discussed what my group mates needed help with in
their stories-and that was extremely helpful. Hearing what their struggles were
made me feel not so alone in this solitary writing world. It also made me
realize how much talking about my story actually helps. I wasn’t sure exactly
what to expect from these group meetings, but I was surprisingly delighted with
the results so far.
On a side note: My meeting with Elmaz was also particularly
helpful. She suggested a diary to write in for my characters. I could write
from my characters perspective-any one of them-and that would help me develop
them and think about what kind of things they would do-characteristically. I thought this was a very intriguing idea
because I rarely journal myself, but it seemed like a way to connect to my
character on a deeper level—maybe the level that I have been trying to break
into!
Wish me luck!
And thanks for an amazing brainstorming session group!
Kate's Week 4 Post
I really liked Kendra’s QT presentation. I’ve never really
given too much thought to Quentin Tarantino’s movies or works before I watched Kill Bill. Before that I had heard his
name being thrown around here and there in conversation, but never took the time
to find out anything about him. Unfortunately, I still have not spent any time
to take a look at his work to see what he is all about. Also, after watching Kill Bill for the first time—I still
wasn’t quite sure what I had just experienced. I was in shock, thrilled, upset
and entertained all at the same time.
It was interesting to find out that QT uses three different
types of narratives, uses nicknames for characters and practices non-linear
storytelling (all writing tools I am really interested in learning about and
observing in other writers). Another really interesting aspect about QT that I
learned was that he is a method writer: he becomes the characters in his
stories.
I love the quote she used in her presentation: “…my
characters come from where I have been,” QT.
That really resonated with me because the main character in
my story is a version of myself. I mean she is an idea of me—fictionalized and
stretched into a tool that I can use to twist and pull during her journey into
finding her place in this world as a sexual woman. My character not only comes
from where I have been-but she also is taking me somewhere I have never been
before.
Out of the few QT movies that I have seen, Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill are definitely my favorites. Mostly because I think he
takes huge risks in both of those films. Especially in Kill Bill because he really explored a non-linear storytelling
approach—that is what I really thought was interesting. Even though the story
seemed to start in the end or end of the middle, I was still really enthralled
with it and interested to see how and when certain flashbacks of history will
be revealed to us. That was one of the most exciting factors of Kill Bill. In the story that I am
writing I struggle with how and when I will bring in background/historical need
to know information into the story or when a flashback might work.
This presentation was a big eye opener: reminding me that I
need to read about a different artist every week/month as often as possible.
Cheers!
Katy's Fourth Post
I like to make my own smoothies and I had a brilliant idea in my dream last night for a mango ginger smoothie with a coconut yogurt base. When I made it this afternoon the consistency was all off, which meant the flavors didn't blend right, and it didn't end up tasting as I had envisioned. This is to say that things haven't been going according to plan these days. However, in my disappointment I ate the cupcake my roommate had left on the counter (sorry, Erika!) and found out that what my smoothie really needed was a dash of chocolate. The next batch is going to be great.
My thesis hasn't been going according to plan either--if I ever even had a plan. But I'm taking advantage of this aimlessness. It gives my characters room to breath and reveal themselves to me. One by one the shades are coming up out of Hades, provided I don't look back. I'm doing my best to keep going forward, sure that things will make sense when the time is right. I've been listening to Mirah's "Mt. St. Helens" on repeat. I don't know why. I think it has something to do with my character Deirdre. Or maybe it has nothing to do with nothing, but it's beautiful and sad and I never go far without it. Give it a listen if you like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtDcODwygSc
There were so many great authors in our inspiration presentations, but I was most happy that Tessa talked about Michael Ondaatje. It has been so long since I've read The Collected Works of Billy the Kid, and I had forgotten how deeply Ondaatje influenced me in my early days of writing. I love how he works in both prose and poetry, so seamlessly that they don't sound like different things. I've been contemplating working a small amount of poetry into my piece, because I do enjoy writing it and it seems right for capturing one of my characters. Revisiting Ondaatje has given me the courage to give this a try. Soo... Thanks, Tessa!
All of the ginger found its way to the bottom of the glass. I told you the consistency was wrong. My mouth is burning so beautifully.
My thesis hasn't been going according to plan either--if I ever even had a plan. But I'm taking advantage of this aimlessness. It gives my characters room to breath and reveal themselves to me. One by one the shades are coming up out of Hades, provided I don't look back. I'm doing my best to keep going forward, sure that things will make sense when the time is right. I've been listening to Mirah's "Mt. St. Helens" on repeat. I don't know why. I think it has something to do with my character Deirdre. Or maybe it has nothing to do with nothing, but it's beautiful and sad and I never go far without it. Give it a listen if you like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtDcODwygSc
There were so many great authors in our inspiration presentations, but I was most happy that Tessa talked about Michael Ondaatje. It has been so long since I've read The Collected Works of Billy the Kid, and I had forgotten how deeply Ondaatje influenced me in my early days of writing. I love how he works in both prose and poetry, so seamlessly that they don't sound like different things. I've been contemplating working a small amount of poetry into my piece, because I do enjoy writing it and it seems right for capturing one of my characters. Revisiting Ondaatje has given me the courage to give this a try. Soo... Thanks, Tessa!
All of the ginger found its way to the bottom of the glass. I told you the consistency was wrong. My mouth is burning so beautifully.
week 4 heidi
good morning
one of my classes for today has been cancelled so i have leisure of writing for the blog in the early morning. which is nice, different.. for breakfast i had one kiwii a cup of coffee and a sesame bagel with cream cheese and artichoke hearts. its been my go-to breakfast for school days and is doing me well.
in response to author presentations >
i was very pleased to see kendra bring a filmmaker into the spectrum of writing. i find a lot of movies to be inspiring with the non-narrative storytelling and the ability to establish characters/place through things like music, dialect/dialogue, fashion. i am a very big "Q T" fan and pulp fiction is my absolute favorite (then jackie brown). pulp fiction is one of those movies i can watch over and over and over and continue to see new things. the last time i watched it was about two months ago with a friend who had never seen the movie, which i had often been referencing to her and trying to convince her to see. ("well my girlfriend is a vegetarian so that pretty much makes me a vegetarian") / mayonnaise instead of ketchup dialogue. most of these conversations were occurring in hamburger establishments. anyway last time i watched it i recognized a song i had never noticed before "lonesome town" by ricky nelson. it is very low in the scene when mia & vincent are having the five dollar shake. it's a song i had heard before by the cramps but i had never heard the original, which i now adore. anyway Q.T. is like the gift that keeps on giving for me..though disappointed with django unchained. oh yeah and my relationship with QT began when i was in the 7th grade and had a crush on someone who i knew liked the movie pulp fiction. since i was unable to rent the movie, i instead looked it up on the internet and ended up reading the whole script. i think it was a few years later that i first watched the movie, but i remember i had established characters in my mind from reading the script.. like the reverse experience of reading a book that you had already seen as a movie before. or something.
i've been doing well, no longer ill, and seeming to find a sporadic but regular schedule of writing in my daily life. i find it helpful to write in a notebook for first drafts instead of typing. i find it helpful to not write at home. i write down little ideas as they come to me and then come back to them later. i find it helpful to turn off the internet when i type up drafts. i find coffee and whiskey helpful.
yesterday i made phone calls home. to both my mother and my grandmother. i wanted to write down little dialogue notes to capture them as inspiration or maybe to use as an element of present time in my thesis. my mom talked about liking miracle whip more than mayonnaise for while, how they always had miracle whip in the house growing up except like once or twice every 5 years they'd have a jar of mayonnaise when the recipe called for it… "when i got older and moved out, i went out an bought a jar of mayonnaise and made a sandwich and i thought it tasted like shit. i only like to use mayo when i am making my BLT cause when you use miracle whip on a BLT the sweetness takes away from the taste of bacon."
she also discussed liking eddie murphy more than chris rock. going to church on wednesdays and fridays to avoid the crowd. sandwiches with melted swisscheese and spicy peppers on toasted rye. the way snow is ugly after a few days. told me to call my grandmother cause she was in the hospital recently and is always happy to hear from me.
then i called my grandmother who talked about my nephew getting so big and jackets that he grows out of and sales at macys and kholes and beth who isn't doing so well and she didn't mention the hospital and i didn't bring it up.
i have been meaning to ask family members about certain events/people in the past to get more context/details for subjects of my thesis but feel sensitive to bring up memories related to death or things that were challenging in the past.
back reads "looking like a big fool, shaved my head out of anger. shaved march 5, 1999."
one of my classes for today has been cancelled so i have leisure of writing for the blog in the early morning. which is nice, different.. for breakfast i had one kiwii a cup of coffee and a sesame bagel with cream cheese and artichoke hearts. its been my go-to breakfast for school days and is doing me well.
in response to author presentations >
i was very pleased to see kendra bring a filmmaker into the spectrum of writing. i find a lot of movies to be inspiring with the non-narrative storytelling and the ability to establish characters/place through things like music, dialect/dialogue, fashion. i am a very big "Q T" fan and pulp fiction is my absolute favorite (then jackie brown). pulp fiction is one of those movies i can watch over and over and over and continue to see new things. the last time i watched it was about two months ago with a friend who had never seen the movie, which i had often been referencing to her and trying to convince her to see. ("well my girlfriend is a vegetarian so that pretty much makes me a vegetarian") / mayonnaise instead of ketchup dialogue. most of these conversations were occurring in hamburger establishments. anyway last time i watched it i recognized a song i had never noticed before "lonesome town" by ricky nelson. it is very low in the scene when mia & vincent are having the five dollar shake. it's a song i had heard before by the cramps but i had never heard the original, which i now adore. anyway Q.T. is like the gift that keeps on giving for me..though disappointed with django unchained. oh yeah and my relationship with QT began when i was in the 7th grade and had a crush on someone who i knew liked the movie pulp fiction. since i was unable to rent the movie, i instead looked it up on the internet and ended up reading the whole script. i think it was a few years later that i first watched the movie, but i remember i had established characters in my mind from reading the script.. like the reverse experience of reading a book that you had already seen as a movie before. or something.
i've been doing well, no longer ill, and seeming to find a sporadic but regular schedule of writing in my daily life. i find it helpful to write in a notebook for first drafts instead of typing. i find it helpful to not write at home. i write down little ideas as they come to me and then come back to them later. i find it helpful to turn off the internet when i type up drafts. i find coffee and whiskey helpful.
yesterday i made phone calls home. to both my mother and my grandmother. i wanted to write down little dialogue notes to capture them as inspiration or maybe to use as an element of present time in my thesis. my mom talked about liking miracle whip more than mayonnaise for while, how they always had miracle whip in the house growing up except like once or twice every 5 years they'd have a jar of mayonnaise when the recipe called for it… "when i got older and moved out, i went out an bought a jar of mayonnaise and made a sandwich and i thought it tasted like shit. i only like to use mayo when i am making my BLT cause when you use miracle whip on a BLT the sweetness takes away from the taste of bacon."
she also discussed liking eddie murphy more than chris rock. going to church on wednesdays and fridays to avoid the crowd. sandwiches with melted swisscheese and spicy peppers on toasted rye. the way snow is ugly after a few days. told me to call my grandmother cause she was in the hospital recently and is always happy to hear from me.
then i called my grandmother who talked about my nephew getting so big and jackets that he grows out of and sales at macys and kholes and beth who isn't doing so well and she didn't mention the hospital and i didn't bring it up.
i have been meaning to ask family members about certain events/people in the past to get more context/details for subjects of my thesis but feel sensitive to bring up memories related to death or things that were challenging in the past.
back reads "looking like a big fool, shaved my head out of anger. shaved march 5, 1999."
Monday, February 17, 2014
Week 4, midnight blogging - Rebecca
It's the middle of the night and I really just felt the need to blog after a tough weekend; it will probably have very little to do with my actual thesis, but everything to do with my head-space right now...Taking a cue from Heidi this week and starting with a picture...
Strangely this picture features both of the people my heart was aching for this weekend - my beloved grandpa and my younger cousin, JJ.
I knew this weekend would be a tough one for me and for my mom - today (or I guess technically yesterday) would have marked my grandfather's 90th birthday. He passed away 2 years ago and my mom is still a mess most days. His birthday is always the toughest day, right up there with the anniversary of the day he passed, so to say I was somewhat dreading today would be an understatement.
And as if this weekend wasn't already going to be hard enough, my cousin also ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung after being hit by a car and he had to have surgery and my mom and I were of course wrecks over that...
It's strange, as much as I hated knowing how much pain my cousin was in and that he was going to have to have surgery, I was still thankful of him for keeping my mind and focus away from my grandpa. It was like when I was worried about him, I wasn't thinking of my grandpa and how he isn't here anymore and how I can't ask him all the questions I have about our Japanese heritage and all of his experiences.
But of course, all of that came rushing back to me today. I wish I had been more interested and inquisitive about my grandpa's experiences as a Japanese American during the time of WWII when he was actually alive. It's not quite the same to have to ask my mom or my aunts and uncles about my grandpa's life and experiences.
I had so much going on this weekend, I could barely find the time to write anything until now. But in the midst of everything, whether we were awaiting news on my cousin and his surgery or simply grieving over my grandpa and his life, I managed to be able to chat with my mom and ask her the questions I really wanted to be able to ask my grandpa.
It's getting to be super late at this point, past 2 am, and I'm not even sure if this is all coherent because the exhaustion is now starting to hit me. I really hope that since tomorrow is a holiday and my cousin is now finally out of the hospital, I can rest much easier and get a lot of writing done, to make up for my exreme lack of focus this past week.,Here's hoping!
EDIT: reading Heidi's post, I realized I completely forgot about what we were actually supposed to write about this week - the inspiration presentations. I definitely enjoyed hearing about everyone's inspirations, but I think I was most intrigued by Kate's presentation on Linda Berdoll. I, like Kate, STRUGGLE with trying to write sex scenes....I attempted one last year in my Adv. Fic. class because I felt like I needed to be on the same level as the rest of the class - everyone seemed to be able to write those kinds of scenes so easily. For me it just felt awkward and weird, but I wanted to try it. I'm definitely interested now to try to read some of Linda Berdoll's work with Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy to see how she tackles the task.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Olivia Post
First off, I apologize for my lack of participation here--I will really try to be better about posting on time next week.
It's crazy to me that it's basically mid-February. I have been writing pretty regularly, which feels good to be producing. However I'm in a state where I am not quite feeling what I'm writing. Revision is a big part of my process so I am trying to reassure myself that at least I'm writing... maybe these are "idea poems" that will bloom into work I feel better about when I take a second look. Because this is my senior thesis I'm finding myself putting a lot of weight on that... I really want it to be good. But this standard I'm holding myself to is not allowing me to dissolve into the poem and be fully present with the unfolding of the piece-- rather I am being too self-conscious. In the fall semester I found that doing a little meditation before I sat down to write really helped clear that inner critic. Should resume.
Last week Marci and I met pretty briefly. With the department review and meetings with Elmaz we unfortunately didn't have a lot of time. I'm really looking forward to writing and hanging out with Marci more in the next couple of weeks. We've had some good conversations with Lindsey about the importance of getting involved in the bay area reading culture, and so we are on the lookout for events. Lindsey also sent us this link with a bunch of readings in case any of you guys are interested: http://www.mothershen.com/pages/openmicdirectory.html
Friday I checked out The New Sh!t Show series in San Francisco and had a nice time. Any suggestions for readings to check out? Hope you guys have had a good week and will get to relax this weekend.
It's crazy to me that it's basically mid-February. I have been writing pretty regularly, which feels good to be producing. However I'm in a state where I am not quite feeling what I'm writing. Revision is a big part of my process so I am trying to reassure myself that at least I'm writing... maybe these are "idea poems" that will bloom into work I feel better about when I take a second look. Because this is my senior thesis I'm finding myself putting a lot of weight on that... I really want it to be good. But this standard I'm holding myself to is not allowing me to dissolve into the poem and be fully present with the unfolding of the piece-- rather I am being too self-conscious. In the fall semester I found that doing a little meditation before I sat down to write really helped clear that inner critic. Should resume.
Last week Marci and I met pretty briefly. With the department review and meetings with Elmaz we unfortunately didn't have a lot of time. I'm really looking forward to writing and hanging out with Marci more in the next couple of weeks. We've had some good conversations with Lindsey about the importance of getting involved in the bay area reading culture, and so we are on the lookout for events. Lindsey also sent us this link with a bunch of readings in case any of you guys are interested: http://www.mothershen.com/pages/openmicdirectory.html
Friday I checked out The New Sh!t Show series in San Francisco and had a nice time. Any suggestions for readings to check out? Hope you guys have had a good week and will get to relax this weekend.
Late post #2 - This Week
Like I said in my last post, this week just disappeared from under me. I missed all self-imposed deadlines and some assigned ones, too. And I feel like I'm barely hanging on to this project.
I've been writing and thinking. Mostly thinking and not being great at the writing. This story is at once too big and too small. I feel like I could sit down and write the whole thing out in 10 pages. But the nuances would be lost, the meaning. Which is where I'm getting stuck. It feels fragmented, and my brain does, too.
My grandmother lived several lives. She persistently left people behind. She changed always, and always one step ahead of the times. 50's housewife/mother with the cropped pants and cat-eye glasses to beatnik in a black turtleneck with a girlfriend in SF to a mod gogo cage dancer to a romantic Renaissance hippie to sleek designer babe. She left two husbands, left two separate families and her two children. She left friends, she left places, she left her body. And when she didn't come back, she left silence. This silence that I don't think I can break into.
All that's left to do is circle around and around her dying story in hopes of finding a way in. The people closest to her didn't know much about her. The one's we've turned to to answer all the questions just don't know. Ultimately, she is a mystery. And I think she wanted it that way.
These days I just wish two things - that someone would open the door to greet me and tell me I look just like her, and that I could hear her sing.
I've been writing and thinking. Mostly thinking and not being great at the writing. This story is at once too big and too small. I feel like I could sit down and write the whole thing out in 10 pages. But the nuances would be lost, the meaning. Which is where I'm getting stuck. It feels fragmented, and my brain does, too.
My grandmother lived several lives. She persistently left people behind. She changed always, and always one step ahead of the times. 50's housewife/mother with the cropped pants and cat-eye glasses to beatnik in a black turtleneck with a girlfriend in SF to a mod gogo cage dancer to a romantic Renaissance hippie to sleek designer babe. She left two husbands, left two separate families and her two children. She left friends, she left places, she left her body. And when she didn't come back, she left silence. This silence that I don't think I can break into.
All that's left to do is circle around and around her dying story in hopes of finding a way in. The people closest to her didn't know much about her. The one's we've turned to to answer all the questions just don't know. Ultimately, she is a mystery. And I think she wanted it that way.
These days I just wish two things - that someone would open the door to greet me and tell me I look just like her, and that I could hear her sing.
Late post #1 - Peer Meeting
This week has swept past, all the plans I made waving goodbye to me on a fast-moving train. That chugchugchugchugchug sound turning into me saying oopsoopsoopsoopsoopsoops as all the forgotten things sped by.
Last week's peer meeting was good, but somewhat fragmented with all the meetings and the review. We did, however, get to workshop a little of each other's work, which meant we wrote things, which means we're all on the right track. Though it was brief, I enjoyed the workshop. I think we are beginning to understand what each individual wants out of their project and are therefore learning to give proper feedback and help. Working in such a small group really makes that possible.
We also did a 10 minute quick write with a prompt provided by Heidi, inspired by the short story we read, assigned by me. This collaborative learning and practice is helping me learn to teach myself, to set my own rules and follow them without having to blindly follow an instructor. I'm learning what works for me and what doesn't.
Last week's peer meeting was good, but somewhat fragmented with all the meetings and the review. We did, however, get to workshop a little of each other's work, which meant we wrote things, which means we're all on the right track. Though it was brief, I enjoyed the workshop. I think we are beginning to understand what each individual wants out of their project and are therefore learning to give proper feedback and help. Working in such a small group really makes that possible.
We also did a 10 minute quick write with a prompt provided by Heidi, inspired by the short story we read, assigned by me. This collaborative learning and practice is helping me learn to teach myself, to set my own rules and follow them without having to blindly follow an instructor. I'm learning what works for me and what doesn't.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Week/Class 3 - Kendra
I apologize for this being late; I'll explain below.
I've been in quite the life funk lately, what with this massive onslaught of exhaustion (even when I try to get enough hours of sleep; that makes it worse), and feeling frustrated to hell and back with my job. This week's just not a good one.
But one thing that I take solace in, something that I mentioned to Elmaz in our 1:1 meeting, is pro wrestling, and a lot of my fiction work (not including this thesis) is based around it in some way. That work is easy for me to write, but this project is something that is a complete departure, and I don't know how to approach it. I've been struggling so unnecessarily hard with the assignments Margaret gave us with our readings, mainly because I felt no inspiration from the stories we read and therefore I didn't feel the need to force myself to write something.
Then I thought about it: I don't always have to relate those reading assignments back to my thesis. And after meeting with Elmaz, I should incorporate my love for pro wrestling into my work in some way, no matter what, because it motivates me to write so much. So that's what I'll be doing, and that's part of my secret assignment. Hopefully that'll inspire me enough to keep up and feel inspired to work, and additionally I hope it'll bring me out of that life funk.
On a lighter note, again I must gush about my fiction group because we are just some amazing folks. Katy already spoke about us, and I'm so happy to know she felt extremely productive during our meeting, because I did as well. I also felt heard and supported, and I needed to feel both with this project and class.
I was actually unsure/confused when I first heard about Kate and Katy's projects (it was too early that day; my attention was off), so I'm pleased and totally intrigued by their stories now that I know the details of the plots and whatnot. It also makes me happy that after this meeting, they (and myself) walked away really excited about writing and presenting our work to each other.
Whenever I feel like garbage about doing thesis work, I remember the positives such as what I just described, and I instantly feel better :)
P.S. I'm looking forward to these inspiration presentations!
I've been in quite the life funk lately, what with this massive onslaught of exhaustion (even when I try to get enough hours of sleep; that makes it worse), and feeling frustrated to hell and back with my job. This week's just not a good one.
But one thing that I take solace in, something that I mentioned to Elmaz in our 1:1 meeting, is pro wrestling, and a lot of my fiction work (not including this thesis) is based around it in some way. That work is easy for me to write, but this project is something that is a complete departure, and I don't know how to approach it. I've been struggling so unnecessarily hard with the assignments Margaret gave us with our readings, mainly because I felt no inspiration from the stories we read and therefore I didn't feel the need to force myself to write something.
Then I thought about it: I don't always have to relate those reading assignments back to my thesis. And after meeting with Elmaz, I should incorporate my love for pro wrestling into my work in some way, no matter what, because it motivates me to write so much. So that's what I'll be doing, and that's part of my secret assignment. Hopefully that'll inspire me enough to keep up and feel inspired to work, and additionally I hope it'll bring me out of that life funk.
On a lighter note, again I must gush about my fiction group because we are just some amazing folks. Katy already spoke about us, and I'm so happy to know she felt extremely productive during our meeting, because I did as well. I also felt heard and supported, and I needed to feel both with this project and class.
I was actually unsure/confused when I first heard about Kate and Katy's projects (it was too early that day; my attention was off), so I'm pleased and totally intrigued by their stories now that I know the details of the plots and whatnot. It also makes me happy that after this meeting, they (and myself) walked away really excited about writing and presenting our work to each other.
Whenever I feel like garbage about doing thesis work, I remember the positives such as what I just described, and I instantly feel better :)
P.S. I'm looking forward to these inspiration presentations!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Rebecca's Weekly Blog #3
I think this week's blog will be relatively short for me. My mind has been really cluttered the past few days and it's got me in a bit of a "writer's block" at least in terms of this project...I'm getting to the point in my semester where I start to feel bogged down by all my classes, readings, and assignments. On top of that my grandmother just got out of the hospital where she'd been since Friday morning after a bad fall, and this coming weekend is my recently deceased grandfather's birthday, both of those events being really hard on my mom and in turn me...
A big part of this project stems from my grandparents' experiences - both spent time in the Internment Camps during WWII and my grandfather also served in the US Army during this time and faced much discrimination and racism from other soldiers for awhile - and the impact of learning about their experiences has had on me. But it's been hard to sit and think and write about them this week, though I've had a lot of sporadic personal journaling trying to clear my mind of all of this stuff...
On a brighter note, I liked meeting with the other thesis class for the department review! It was great to hear about the different experiences everyone has had throughout their time at Mills and some of the things people have liked and disliked along with me. Our peer group meeting also went very well; the free-write prompt Heidi came up with helped me map out a few more scenes for my thesis. I'm also working on adjusting a couple of those according to the 'secret assignment' Elmaz gave me during our meeting on Friday & I like how it's coming along so far.
Well I guess that wraps everything up for tonight - see you all Friday and I look forward to everyone's inspiration presentations!
A big part of this project stems from my grandparents' experiences - both spent time in the Internment Camps during WWII and my grandfather also served in the US Army during this time and faced much discrimination and racism from other soldiers for awhile - and the impact of learning about their experiences has had on me. But it's been hard to sit and think and write about them this week, though I've had a lot of sporadic personal journaling trying to clear my mind of all of this stuff...
On a brighter note, I liked meeting with the other thesis class for the department review! It was great to hear about the different experiences everyone has had throughout their time at Mills and some of the things people have liked and disliked along with me. Our peer group meeting also went very well; the free-write prompt Heidi came up with helped me map out a few more scenes for my thesis. I'm also working on adjusting a couple of those according to the 'secret assignment' Elmaz gave me during our meeting on Friday & I like how it's coming along so far.
Well I guess that wraps everything up for tonight - see you all Friday and I look forward to everyone's inspiration presentations!
Heidi Week #3
good evening
i've had a very busy day and feel at ease sitting down to write for the blog right now. i just got back from doing volunteer work for the berkeley needle exchange which felt enlightening in contrast the rush of other things lately. i have an anthropology assignment i am avoiding. i've been sick this past week and am entering recovering, though i am going to the doctor tomorrow for an unrelated ailment. after the doctor tomorrow i am planning to hole up in a cafe for a few hours to write an expand upon a few things that have come up in past free writes. a lot of things feel interwoven lately which i find helpful, subject matter in classes over lapping and projects integrating..it is helpful to stay in a similar frame of mind for me. everything to kind of together. i am thinking about going home over spring break or for easter. i am looking forward to our author presentation on friday. i am frying catfish later tonight.
xoxo
i've had a very busy day and feel at ease sitting down to write for the blog right now. i just got back from doing volunteer work for the berkeley needle exchange which felt enlightening in contrast the rush of other things lately. i have an anthropology assignment i am avoiding. i've been sick this past week and am entering recovering, though i am going to the doctor tomorrow for an unrelated ailment. after the doctor tomorrow i am planning to hole up in a cafe for a few hours to write an expand upon a few things that have come up in past free writes. a lot of things feel interwoven lately which i find helpful, subject matter in classes over lapping and projects integrating..it is helpful to stay in a similar frame of mind for me. everything to kind of together. i am thinking about going home over spring break or for easter. i am looking forward to our author presentation on friday. i am frying catfish later tonight.
xoxo
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