Strangely this picture features both of the people my heart was aching for this weekend - my beloved grandpa and my younger cousin, JJ.
I knew this weekend would be a tough one for me and for my mom - today (or I guess technically yesterday) would have marked my grandfather's 90th birthday. He passed away 2 years ago and my mom is still a mess most days. His birthday is always the toughest day, right up there with the anniversary of the day he passed, so to say I was somewhat dreading today would be an understatement.
And as if this weekend wasn't already going to be hard enough, my cousin also ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung after being hit by a car and he had to have surgery and my mom and I were of course wrecks over that...
It's strange, as much as I hated knowing how much pain my cousin was in and that he was going to have to have surgery, I was still thankful of him for keeping my mind and focus away from my grandpa. It was like when I was worried about him, I wasn't thinking of my grandpa and how he isn't here anymore and how I can't ask him all the questions I have about our Japanese heritage and all of his experiences.
But of course, all of that came rushing back to me today. I wish I had been more interested and inquisitive about my grandpa's experiences as a Japanese American during the time of WWII when he was actually alive. It's not quite the same to have to ask my mom or my aunts and uncles about my grandpa's life and experiences.
I had so much going on this weekend, I could barely find the time to write anything until now. But in the midst of everything, whether we were awaiting news on my cousin and his surgery or simply grieving over my grandpa and his life, I managed to be able to chat with my mom and ask her the questions I really wanted to be able to ask my grandpa.
It's getting to be super late at this point, past 2 am, and I'm not even sure if this is all coherent because the exhaustion is now starting to hit me. I really hope that since tomorrow is a holiday and my cousin is now finally out of the hospital, I can rest much easier and get a lot of writing done, to make up for my exreme lack of focus this past week.,Here's hoping!
EDIT: reading Heidi's post, I realized I completely forgot about what we were actually supposed to write about this week - the inspiration presentations. I definitely enjoyed hearing about everyone's inspirations, but I think I was most intrigued by Kate's presentation on Linda Berdoll. I, like Kate, STRUGGLE with trying to write sex scenes....I attempted one last year in my Adv. Fic. class because I felt like I needed to be on the same level as the rest of the class - everyone seemed to be able to write those kinds of scenes so easily. For me it just felt awkward and weird, but I wanted to try it. I'm definitely interested now to try to read some of Linda Berdoll's work with Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy to see how she tackles the task.
Rebecca, all good and goodness. I am sorry for your losses and losing the opportunity to interview your gp. Let that be a lesson to us all. good luck
ReplyDeleteHi Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your post I was reminded of when my Grandma past away the summer before I came to Mills--she was also the deciding factor that confirmed that I should and would go here. Sorry for the long story-I didn't think I was going to type it all up-but it just all poured out after I read what you wrote. I hope that my story of how I got to Mills and what happened right before I got here will remind you that you are not alone in this world.
When I told Grandma I got in to Mills...she said-you have to do this! It was my last semester at De Anza College (my JC) and Grams was sick and she couldn't shake it. I was at the hospital with her and they kept testing and testing her-with no results. As I was sitting at home working on homework I got the call from mom: "Grandma is sick she said." "I know," I said. "No really," she said. "She has cancer, doesn't she," I said. "Yes," she said. "She is dying," I said. "Well, yes," she said. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. From the moment we were in the hospital and she kept getting test after test, I knew. There was an option for Chemo, but seeing as Grams was really really Christian-she would never put poison in her body like that. We couldn't even convince her to pierce her ears until she was 70! LOL!
Even after grams knew-she kept her spirits high. She was in the hospital for another three weeks which included two surgeries before she was allowed to leave. But I was there with her every day and every night, reading my homework to her (I was taking a lot of history classes at the time and she absolutely loved every one of my classes. We discussed homework assignments and how I was going to respond to them. She lit up every time I came to see her. I was the only one who wasn't afraid to just jump in bed and cuddle her while I read aloud from my history book to her and Grandpa-who would stay with both of us in the hospital until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore.
In the end, I ended up dropping out of my last semester at my JC to stay with Grams as much as possible. I was so worried that this would affect my application at Mills, but I was in constant contact with Vala Burnett. When I told her what I had to do...all she said was: your decision to remove yourself from school- is the only option that a TRUE Mills woman would have considered. Of course you still have a spot here at Mills-we are still behind you 100%.
After Grams left the hospital, the entire family moved in in shifts. One of my aunts would stay a week-then the next (I have two aunts and my mom-along with two uncles). During this time I got to know my Grandma like I never have before. We both realized that she would never see me graduate from Mills, never see me get married or have kids, never see.
My Grandmother Marguerite Hope Barton passed away June 23, 2011 on 5 am, 5 hours after my birthday ended on June 22. I like to think she was holding out for me to get home that night. My other two cousins that had also been practically living with the grandparents during this time took me to Santa Cruz for the day. We got home at Midnight, I kissed her goodnight and hugged her for the last time before I drove home.
I miss her everyday of my existence.